Gotta Go My Own Way

Your first thought when reading the title was probably this…

I gotta go my own way high school musical

If it wasn’t theeen… theres probably something wrong with you.

I’m just kidding.

But In my past a lot of people would just stop talking to me, out of nowhere. And what makes it worse is that we were so kool. I always used to think “what did I do?” and “what can I do to fix this” but the more i tried the further the person went away. I think constant pain I felt whilst growing up made me a really nice person and though that sounds really weird to say I think knowing that level of pain made me not want to inflict any kind to another person intentionally as I know how it felt.

I’ve experienced many situations where I should just stop talking to a person, but during University is when I fully experienced situations where a major violation had occurred, which called for  me to ‘cut them off’… but I could never fully do it. I would keep what they did in my head but I would still interact with them like it was kool and more time than not they would act exactly the same. For some reason it felt ‘mean’ to just cut some one off, you know “fuck you, I don’t want anything to do with you”. I know the feeling of being neglected and me being nice person I am I felt it would make them feel how I felt, even though they were the one that did me wrong. Even writing about this now I think it all stems from how it was for me growing up, everything was somehow always my fault, and even when it wasn’t I would somehow convince myself it was and I have kinda just carried that with me ever since.

Recently I have come off all social media platforms though this is my second time of doing this (the first time was an emotional decision), but this time feels a lot different. Although it had the same effects, you know peace of mind and having a better mood,  this time I told myself I would use the time I usually be looking and Twitter or scrolling on Instagram to try and do new things. I’m currently doing this (blogging), making music, drawing again, trying to start a clothing brand (shit is so expensive though, I already have the logo and everything), poetry and writing a book (I might have missed something but you get the point) and these things have helped me to be ‘in myself’, I’ve become more self oriented. Whilst doing these things and being away from everything I’ve realised if its not in ‘your radius’ or personal to you, you shouldn’t really need to entertain it and I kind of touched on it in in my catching feelings blog, but in a different subject (you can read it here: obviously you have to plug yourself ;)). But what I’m trying to get at is that ‘problems’ do not have to be entertained, you don’t have to put up of with any of it and you don’t need to pay it any mind whatsoever. Why would you entertain a person that says one thing and does another? doing that is a trap and that’s when all the thoughts come in of “why this” and “why that” etc and these things should not be a personal thought for you as it just messes you up, and who wants to be messed up? There might   be a thing like “it’s a problem if I don’t hand in this work because I’ll fail”, but even then why is it a problem? it never is if unless you make it. The work is personal to you ‘part of your radius’ so yes you’ll do it but the problem bit has no correlation to the work what so ever.

To come to the point of this whole thing I realised from an event that happened to me with a girl recently (that’s a whole other story, I might even make it a post I don’t know) is that why am I putting up with her when she’s just trying mess with me and my peace of mind that I’ve obtained from being off everything and just doing me, and then it cam to me… I don’t have to. It shouldn’t be personal to me and she definitely shouldn’t be in my radius, so her and her behavior can just leave my life along with anyone else like that and guess what… its OK. I could never blanked anyone intentionally before as I felt bad about it, but now I feel fine about it because really its not even about the person, its the persons behavior. If someone in you’re radius or coming into it is behaving in a way that is not sitting well with you, you have to get rid of it so unfortunately that person has to go with it and that’s fine. It’s not about “fuck you blah blah” its just about YOU and you’re peace of mind because you’re the most important person in you’re life and nothing should over shadow that.

P.S. I would just like to add everyone that is part of my life right now is fantastically amazing now matter how often we speak and I couldn’t ask for better people, and I know you could probably point out some grey areas in this, but I know you can understand the point I’m trying to make 🙂

Big Os

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