The ellipsis at the end of the title are because of how I feel about this topic now. I’ve been stalling on this topic for the longest and I probably picked the best time for me to talk about it just because of how anti I am to the idea of it. (I was stalling on another topic but that doesn’t even matter now)
I want to take it back though, way back before this was even a thing in my mind or life. My Mum and Dad separated when I was three months old (well that’s what I was told anyway) so to me it’s not a new thing to me, its just what I’ve known so its like “whatever,” it’s just a normal. I’m not one of those kids that are like “My dad wasn’t here, I feel so upset about it blah blah blah” because I honestly don’t care. But when I actually deep it, when I go to my cousins houses ALL of them both have a mother and father and I when I analyse them and actually think about it from my point of view, I do think it would have benefited me in a positive manner having both parents in the household but it’s whatever.
Me and my mum don’t have the relationship we should have, blame on both sides but I think now it’s just because I can’t “forgive & forget,” I’ve never been able to let go. But I remember when I went to America in like 2012 and I was speaking to my auntie about many different things and she said something that kind of hit. I wont say the first bit she said because she told me not to say anything but the second thing she said was “Wouldn’t you want your Mum to be happy with someone” and that thought had never crossed my mind ever. My first thought when she said that was “I can’t be calling some random person Dad” but then after I looked past that and really began to think about it.
My mum had me when she was young and since the time her and my dad separated she hasn’t been with anyone at all. You actually need to actually fully deep it. Like imagine being alone for all that time and counting, not to say she’s “alone” like there’s no one around her but she’s been by herself this whole time without a companion and when you really really deep it, its kind of sad. Companionship is human nature and though she doesn’t really show it or seem bothered by it I can’t imagine how she must be feeling. I cant really put it in a descriptive manner but just fully manifesting that thought just brings a really deep feeling. I remember watching something and I can’t remember the exact words but someone said something like “Love is like jigsaw, and you’re trying to find the missing pieces in someone else to make yourself whole” (It probably wasn’t that but along those lines anyway). It kind of reminds me of that Drake lyric “My mother is 66 and her favorite line to hit me with is Who the fuck wants to be 70 and alone? ” and no one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives.
And then there’s me. Now I’ve been alone my whole life, and I’m even talking about having a girlfriend or whatever, I’m talking about just in life in general. It’s been me, myself and I with no one to turn to in the dark times I’ve had and been having (and there’s been a lot of those) to the point where I don’t even have myself anymore.
I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships, girls and all that jazz. The first “relationship” I got into I couldn’t ask for anything more. I was so happy and honestly she was a dream come true, her and what she brought to my life. But just like my life has always been that never lasted and I spent three years chasing this girl trying to keep that and her because she is special and it was special.
One of a kind…
In between all of that I tried to move on as she continued to push me away, but not push me away (this is a really complicated story, which I might tell but probably not we’ll see) but nothing ever came from them (and there’s definitely one I’ll tell you about) and after all of that everything became even worse. I don’t if I became more aware of the fuckery because of how much of it I’ve been through but I realised how much i was constantly being toyed with and I would notice it a lot earlier because they were the SAME SIGNS, Whereas before I would turn a blind eye to it because I didn’t want to believe it until it slapped me right in the face and I got fully hurt until it got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore.
When I think about relationships now my heart is so shut off to it. I cant even describe it but its like a feeling of emptiness, like I’ve hit my head against the wall so many times my body has evolved/ adapted in the most unhealthy way create this barrier where I can’t even see a wall to bump into it and that’s how I feel with relationships. It’s such a weird feeling but now when I look at at girl I don’t even feel or see anything. It’s just like another body walking, no type of emotion whatsoever, nothing. It’s honestly so hard for me to like anyone right now let alone love because of all the fuckery I’ve been through already. All I see is what I know, and subconsciously I wont even see “if this time would be different” because I’ve gone way passed that. My heart has become so cold and I’ve become an embodiment of an emotionless vessel walking the earth. As much as its so unhealthy, for me it feels good not to feel that for someone because I can’t get hurt and it’s got so bad that when I do feel myself “opening up” I consciously bring back myself because “I know how the story goes” and I want to protect myself. I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to open my heart again but the next person will have to be something out this world because my defense system right now is almost full proof.