This another post I’ve been stalling on, which was meant to be a lot longer but someone put me in a bad mood (which ironically matches this post) so I’ll just cover the main points.
I’m always curious how people view me. Like when they look at me or be hanging around me I’m curious what aura they get or how do they think I feel. I don’t think anyone in this world actually “knows me” and I don’t think I try to give off a different perspective of what I’m actually feeling at any present moment, but to be honest with you I’m actually suffering and I have been for a very long time.
If you were to ask me what I’m happy about I would tell you nothing and if you were to ask me what I want to do with my life I’ll tell you nothing and I never really have. I don’t really want to talk about before and how it led up to this point because I’m not in a state to talk about it and it’s hard to do so regardless but in recent years I’ve just felt like “I’m just here,” like a empty vessel just walking the earth. It’s hard for me to explain but It’s hard for me to feel anything. I don’t mean about other peoples feeling I’m a very compassionate person, but more in the sense of that “fire in your belly,” that will power. There’s nothing in this world that “gets me out of my seat” you know, gets me fired up to go full throttle, which is probably why people think I’m so chill and calm all the time.
I had this book I used to write in everyday stopped writing in this book but everyday about; random thoughts, how my day went or how I’m feeling that day. Each day before I wrote whatever I was going to write I would write a word on the front of the page of how I was feeling at that very moment (which I’ve changed to my Instagram profile picture) until it got to what overshadows every other word…
This intense feeling of nothingness (which is weird because how can nothingness be intense, but it’s the absence of everything that makes it so intense) makes me feel so numb to pain, joy, love etc. and when it comes to thinking about my future my mind is literally blank.
There Isn’t one.
It’s actually amazing I’ve made it this far. I’ve been following a path with no destination continuously failing along the way. I lost passion for any type of anything a very long time ago and it’s been torture to have to go through everything right up to this point to where I’m doing a course at Uni, which I absolutely hate with nothing to show for it, but what else was expected.
I feel like I’ve hit the end of the road because “Life” starts now but there has never been one for me so there isn’t a point and there never was one in the first place.