(I had to change and delete some things from this post from the time I actually wrote it [it’s been on draft for a while] because I’m not as “in the same state of mind” as I was when I wrote it then).
The thing that “inspired” me to write this post was my Mum messaging me this
To explain this message it was basically saying “I don’t talk to her,” but honestly that’s just how I am. I don’t really go out of my way to talk to people and it’s just a thing that has been embedded in me from the shitty time I’ve had growing up, but if you start to speak to me I’ll more than gladly speak to you.
For some reason though every time my mum pops up on my phone my mood just drops and though it’s kind of sad to say it’s the truth. A “normal” conversation with my mum mostly ends at “How are you” and to me it’s like what’s the point of forcing conversation? She always berates me with “Why don’t you ever message me?” etc, and every time there is “something it always seems to be about herself, like I’m attacking her personally when that is not the case at all. I always get the “You don’t care for me” and “You don’t love me,” but the fact of the matter is we honestly don’t have anything to say and really we don’t have anything to talk about. The times I’ve messaged her daily it feels like such a chore when it shouldn’t, it shouldn’t feel so draining like the little life I have left is being sucked out takes out and to me it seems so fake just to converse with someone for the sake of it and The fact it kills me just to do it in the first place says a lot.
The people that know me know I’m not that loud talkative person, I’ve always been the quiet one and I know where it stems from but I’ll probably explain in a later blog because I feel I get so many perceptions of myself lol, so it would be good to be understood a lot better.
I’ve already discussed this with her but it was honestly my mum that caused this divide between us in the first place. I think she believes that she did nothing wrong and it’s probably because of differences from her life but she’s wrong. I don’t want to give one of the many specific examples from my childhood because you should keep somethings private but A LOT of situations could have been handled differently. Growing up for me was terrible and the one person you would hope to turn to never made it that easy to do so. The times I would try and talk to her when I was younger it was never a conversation where we could have a proper open dialogue on the situation, it was just attack and be little type thing. I can tell you about one time though when I was telling her about the time I almost got robbed when I was in year 7 on the way to my friends house and the guy started punching me and and all of that, and you know the first thing she said after I finished… (I’m paraphrasing but…) “IT’S YOUR FAULT, WHY DID YOU STAY AND ANSWER HIS QUESTION (he asked what phone I had before he tried to rob me), YOU SHOULD HAVE CONTINUED WALKING.” Not even “How are you?” not “I’m glad you got home safe” that out of all things…
School life was shit and home life was shit and when you have no one to turn to (not even yourself) you begin to literally lose yourself amidst everything. With the time I endured I pretty much remember everything and I’m not one of those “forgive and forget” people, I have no forgiveness in my heart. Believe me, if you do me wrong once I will always remember that and I literally can’t let anything go. I know it’s “bad for me,” but I actually don’t care, it’s just how I am to be honest and I don’t think it’s going to change for anything. Coming back to this topic though, I just remember all those times with my mum and it’s built this kind of resentment towards her, and although she is somewhat better now I just cannot view her in a different light because I can’t forget about all those times so I still have this “me against her” mindset.
I guess I have to take some blame now because I still hold on to the past when I should be moving forward, but that’s just how I’ve become and that’s partly down to her, so it’s kind of all a full circle.
My Dad on the other hand… I don’t even know. I have no type of emotion towards him whatsoever; not sad, not happy, not angry, absolutely nothing. He’s been there but not there you know, in and and out of my life at not a really consistent basis and I don’t really have much to say about him because he hasn’t really been there so I don’t really care. To be honest it is kind of awkward between us two now and he should honestly be doing more, but I can’t force anyone to do anything. If someone wants to do something they’ll do it regardless.
Just on a side not I called him recently and he said “Why didn’t call to wish me happy father’s day”… You must be smoking rice to even ask me that question…
I’m grateful for having a roof over my head and everything else, but that’s honestly what a parent should do. I know some parents don’t even do that so that’s why I’m grateful for it, but without the feeling of love all that shit seems so empty. When I visit some of my friends and families places and they have both parents in the house I can really see the dynamic from my household to theirs, especially when they have parents that are so kool and they can talk to, which is so amazing to me, but at the same time it’s low key upsetting (even though I won’t actually show it).
To me anyway, it just feels like I’m just a failure to my mum and this “versus” mentality with my mum that has been built is really unhealthy. It seems that I’ve never been good enough and never will and I’ve been kind of mentally imprisoned to meet expectations that I don’t even want for myself (being a doctor), whilst battling my own depression and anxiety. The ratio is waay off in terms of “time heals all wounds” because there hasn’t been enough of the good times to really over shadow the other stuff. I feel I need healing within myself before really any ground can be made between us and though I’m trying it’s really hard man. I feel African parents are stuck in their “ways” and really have this tunnel vision on how all aspects of life should be and it’s not right. I understand that for them coming into a foreign country and grinding the way they did it was really all on survival mode and trust me I understand that completely, but the world has changed and they should really evolve with it but they seem stubborn to do so…
Actually, this is just turning into a whole other topic lol. I think I’ll address this in a separate blog post.