Wednesday 15th August 2018

It’s been such a long time since I’ve done this or anything on this page because I’ve been sssooooo busy with work and I’ve literally had no time for anything, not even myself. Plus, I’m just aaaalllllwwwaaayyyysss tired. Annnywaaayyy just to update, I got a job in marketing (well… kind of) and it’s in the field on events marketing. On paper everything about it seems very good, but right now I’m at the bottom of the ladder doing sales… From what I was reading about marketing prior to this, I’ve never came across this type of marketing business and interesting to be looking in from the inside, instead of being on the outside looking in because I though the thing I was doing was sooooo different.

You know those people in shopping malls or wherever, and they’re trying to stop you and sell you shit? That is exactly what I’m doing right now. Now the progression is really good and when it’s said out loud it seems pretty easily doable, but being on the field is not easy, especially for someone who has lived a life like mine.

I’ve always kept myself out of the limelight (for various reasons I’ll explain in a later post), and here you have to do the complete opposite, which is pretty hard to do so quickly 100%. But to be honest with you being out on the field isn’t as scary or as daunting as I first thought and as the days have progressed I’ve actually gotten a lot better in stopping people from when I first started. It’s never been that I’m scared about doing it though, it’s just there’s a mental block I have not fully broken yet.

So you’re out stopping people and what not and during the long train of no’s and no one coming to the table, the other people on your team have already got two or however many people to the table and have signing them up. Now do not get it twisted, I am not upset when others on my team sign people up, I’m happy for them and it’s good for them as well! But it’s like “Why can’t I do it, what am I doing wrong that I can’t do the same thing myself?” It kind of links with the way everything in my life has been up to this point. Even the people that started after me or the same day are doing so much better than me, but it’s not like a comparison thing it’s just “Why can’t I do that?”

Anyway, fast forwarding to today I got sent home because “There isn’t enough space today” and I mean… I get it. The job is based on performance and I’m not performing well, but it kind of reminds me of the shit girls would say to me, but that’s just another thing all together.

Really and truly I got sent home because ‘I’m not good enough’ and I asked this question before in a different context in a previous post (you can read it here), but this time it was different… When I was told to go home I understood it (even though there are hella but’s and why’s to it), but when I left and I took a couple of steps down the road I slowly began to feel a type of way about it and ‘why am I not good enough?’ became ‘why am I not good enough?’ As in, “I am good enough, why am I not valued as such.” And in that moment I fully knew I did not what to be valued as such ever again in my life. I will not be put into that category ever again ever. Another girl got told this yesterday (I didn’t know till today), and bless her heart she’s honestly a sweet girl and I know she suffers with confidence issues (and I know how hard that is), but just deeping it, I was put in the same category as HER and she is WAAAAYYYY WORSE THAN ME, and that just doesn’t sit right with me.

I understand why they say you have to know the field first before you progress. Everything my manager has said to me has made sense so I have nothing to question about any of it. But I will not be undervalued or overlooked by anyone anymore, and more importantly I will not undervalue myself. From now I’m looking to kill every single person in that room (not literally lol and in a friendly competitive manner) all the way up to the managers. Recognition is a branch from every single goal you have no matter what emotion places that in. Whether it’s envy, inspirational, motivational etc. I want EVERYONE to feel the highest peak of whatever emotion it is when they see what I’m doing, I want the highest recognition of anyone ever whenever I step into the room times infinity.

I don’t know what the deadliest animal is, but whatever it is I AM THAT. Tunnel vision on each goal I have set and I swear to God from now nobody is going to be better than me or work harder than me getting there no matter what needs to be done. I will be back tomorrow and I will show I am a deadly killer when it comes to whatever it is I need to do.


P.S. I will do it my way because every time we’re in atmosphere or with whoever I’m with I feel like I have to be like them and match their “attitude,” which is just not me. I don’t need to do that and I shoudln’t feel pressured to do it at all.

Also this is all friendly manner lol. The words I’m using is just to show how serious I am and for everyone to feel the the exact same way in whatever field they are in.

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