More time than not I’m misjudged in some certain way. For some reason “I look like a fuckboy” and when I ask why they just say “You have that look,” lol OK. Once they get to know me they realise that I’m actually a nice guy and it’s just like why lol. That example is kind of more jokes, but if there’s one thing I actually hate, it’s when people try tell me about myself. “You’re this” or “You’re that” ESPECIALLY when they throw in the word because 99.9% of the time they’re wrong and its based of something they don’t understand. If there’s anything I pride myself on it’s being super self aware, so if there is something wrong with me believe me I already know what it is, so I don’t really need someone telling me what I am or I am not.
Sometimes I feel there is a wonder with me and a lot of it turns into assumptions or preconceived judgement and not all of them are bad per-say, but I thought I might explain a couple of things of why I do certain things or act a certain way.
I didn’t have the best of times growing up and most of who I am now is a formation of those times. I don’t really know where to start to be honest so I’m going to start from the top of my body I guess lol.
First of all lets start with my hat.
People think I have so many hats but it’s not even that much lol. My hat is like protection so for me I have to have one on my head every time I leave the house. I don’t think you understand how much overthinking and anxiety rushes through my head when I don’t have it (although it’s a lot better now). See my hair (depending on the light) is very light, and for a black person to have hair so naturally light is not “normal” so growing up I was certainly made aware of that in a less than pleasant way throughout the years. That’s why I thank Chris Brown so much because he kind of made it normal with this dying your hair blonde thing so people just assume that, which to be honest when I do have to take off my hat, that assumption is lot more comfortable for me.
My hat is not only a protection for my hair, but also my face. because the cap bit at the front shades your face, in my head it’s like I’m covered so people don’t really see me. When I look in the mirror I honestly don’t see it, but if there’s one thing I’ve definitely been let known throughout my whole life is that my skin complexion isn’t “normal” either and boy did I get it bad growing up. As each school year went past it got worse and worse till it got to the point I actually hated myself. Even know when people compliment me or something it doesn’t really register with me because I don’t see myself as anything, I’m just a body moving around. In more recent times it’s changed from negative to positive and now people will say “You have such a lovely complexion,” but whenever I hear something like that it’s like I get a rush of flashbacks of all the shit people used to say about and to me and then I’m transported back to the present moment and I don’t even hear the compliment… I don’t even take it as a compliment because there’s already been a negative stigma towards me about it so it gets swept under all that shit. I would rather you not say anything at all because that literally kills my mood for the whole day. That reminds me of the time I used to work in Primark and these girls would ALWAYS be talking about me and most the time I would always pass them whilst they were doing it and they would see me and say “We were just saying how lovely your skin colour is” and that shit would annoy the fuck out of me.
Leading on to the next thing is my on to my “chilled demeanor.” Do I think I’m a chilled person, not really it’s just become normal for me to internalise everything. I’ve never liked to drawing attention to myself and with all the shit that used to go on I thought if I didn’t do anything or really said anything people would leave me alone, but that didn’t work. After a years of constant abuse it kind of just comes second nature, it doesn’t get easier, but you then start going inside yourself more and for me that was my only option. I became extremely quiet and I didn’t really “do anything,” so it just seems like I was lethargic and chilled, but truth be told I was just broken and felt hopeless. There was nothing in me to respond to everyone because I wasn’t “normal,” so what could I possibly say to anyone else. University did get me out of my shell a bit, but I’m still the same person and this chilled demeanor that I have is really just a reaction from being broken from life to be honest.
Last thing because this post is getting too long is my memory. Even though it’s gotten worse (I’m getting old) it’s still amazing and people are always amazed how I’m able to remember events from so far back or things they can’t recall.
(Here’s somewhat proof lol)
The truth to that is pain. As Humans we focus on the negative as it’s part of survival instincts, and being someone who suffered pain on a constant basis it’s hard now to not forget that or anything really. It’s the reason I live in the past so much as well (as much as I try not to), because every time something good goes I honestly don’t believe anything better will come because there is no evidence in my life of that happening like that. It also explains why I never let shit go and I don’t forgive. Being someone that suffered so much starting from a young age it’s inconceivable to me how people intentionally cause people hurt, ESPECIALLY when they don’t see what they are doing or have done.
I guess I’m meant to end with something somewhat positive after all of that right? I don’t really have anything to say, but I do know a persons experiences make up the type of character they are and there are always two sides you can fall on within the same experience. Sometimes people want to change to fit in or to be like something else, but from personal experience I would say accept what you are is so much better. Becoming more at peace with yourself you can truly evolve and strive to where you want to be in life without conforming to whatever it is people or society say you should be like or do.