I was saving this post for today from yesterdays previous post Monday 25th March 2019, but what’s funny is I don’t even feel the same way (although it will probably come back, It always comes back…). I wasn’t going to talk about it because the feeling has gone, but I know it’s still relevant.
So the thing that was “heavy on my mind” was one particular person. FOR WEEKS she wouldn’t leave my mind, and it was driving me crazy because I know there’s nothing I can do about it. You’re probably thinking “If she’s on your mind so much why don’t you just go talk to her,” but the situation is more complex than that. Plus, I know better.
Despite people saying “words don’t mean anything,” they do mean something. If you choose to say something, knowing full well you either don’t mean it, or you’re not going to follow through with it (especially, without letting it known otherwise) EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. That means something. And do you know what it means? It means you’re a wasteman (or girl), exactly what I am.
Before I continue, I just want to say this is all my fault. It’s my fault for feeling the way I do, it’s my fault, in the beginning, it’s my fault for everything (and I honestly mean that).
We have a little history and I can admit that I messed up at the start. If I wasn’t so emotionally tied up and ravaged with so much shit, things would be very different today, but at least I was upfront about it, and that bar anything is the most important thing.
I’ve owned my mistake and, it was a BIG MISTAKE because look where I am now. It was surprising when you called me that night because I thought you had blocked me out of your life (literally), but you chose to let me back in.
I think it was respect and understanding, why? because I was straight up with you, and I always will be.
In recent times it’s grown like cancer that I should have stayed with you, and it’s really the only TRUE regret I have in my life right now. I’ve talked through this with you, and we’ve had this back and forth about it, this weird back and forth and now we’re in this cycle I just don’t like.
I’m not saying you owe me anything because you don’t, but I feel your words don’t match your actions. And it bugs me because you don’t understand how strong I feel about you, and there’s always this doubt with you.
The next time you speak to me (if you do), it’s probably going to be the same cycle; you miss me, and this and that, and this is going to happen, and then all this talk, and then you disappear…
Then it feels like I’ve just become a nuisance to you, and now you’re bored of me. It seems like something bad happens with another guy, and you think “Hmmm, who can entertain me in this time. Oh, I know.”
Like I said before EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT, but that shit doesn’t sit well with me. It’s either love me or leave me alone. But even still no matter what the case is you will always have a place in my heart.
This may be me just being me, but it’s who I am so what can I do. Despite how I feel, there is isn’t really anything I can do that I have not done already to show how I feel and how serious I am with all this. You really have to suffer in silence, and the longer you can last the better it will be for you in the long run.
If you see this (which I highly doubt, although you never know who is in the shadows, something I’ve learnt recently), I would just like to say this is just how I feel and I will never stop caring about you. Go do what you need to do because you have to be great, (even though you’re in my eyes).
“Your Last Resort”