Again, the previous posts are linked below (if you haven’t seen them already):
Halloween was basically around the corner, and I went out to the club with my people dem.
(here’s me with my people dem on the day)
I was out enjoying until during the night someone tapped me to say hello. To my surprise, it happened to be “her” housemate. She was also standing there with her best friend, but she only gave me the most timid “Hey” looking down at the floor, whilst her best friend was next to her screwing me.
I was already on my way to get a drink, so I continued to the bar, but I still honestly couldn’t believe what just happened. “Surely this has to be a joke.” “We just spoke three days ago it has to be.” So when I got my drink I went straight back to them, but as soon as I got there her best friend pulled her back, stepped in front, and gave me the maddest look. You would have honestly thought I killed someone in her family or something.
I remember at the end of the night we were the only people of these set of stairs in the chicken shop, and I was walking down to leave, and she was walking up to get food. I waited to see if she would say anything before I did, but she didn’t. It was when she passed me that I grabbed her hand and asked “What’s the problem” and she responded with “I can’t talk to you.” Confused I asked “Why?” and again she said, “I just can’t talk to you, I’m sorry.” So I let her go and we continued on our way, but that was when the domino effect began to happen; blocked off twitter, then two days later blocked off Instagram, then blocked off Facebook (out of all places), then all her friends blocked me and I’m just thinking WTF did I do?
After all of that happened I just wasn’t the same, and if you think I was bad before, I was definitely ten times worse. I never liked my course in the first place, IN FACT, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do, but Biochemistry was the last thing on my mind. My “love” for science deteriorated even before secondary school, but of course, being in a Nigerian/African household, you don’t really have a choice in the matter, so imagine how I felt about science then, let alone now. The only real thing that was keeping me going at that point was this girl (as crazy as that sounds, but I will explain fully after I finish this series). In my stupid head I thought “If I’m not going to do this for myself at least do it for her because ain’t no one trying to be with a useless person,” and with that channel gone, I was truly dead.
My attendance at uni wasn’t perfect, but my God did that shit drop dramatically. It was to the point where you would be lucky to see me even once in the week. Most days I would just be in bed, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything. It was like I was filled with a ton of bricks, and the point of doing anything was lost in my eyes. This was also the point that I knew that I was in love with this girl and it wasn’t just the case of “I really really liked her” because this shit was different to anything I’ve ever experienced.
Which then led to me not doing work. As in, I didn’t submit my assignments intentionally. The will to anything was below zero, and it led me to really think about my life (not putting the girl in the equation). I started asking myself questions like “What do you want to do” and “What are you good at?” And to be honest, I couldn’t think of a single thing. All I could think of was how worthless I am and how I bring no purpose to this world whatsoever, you know things in that negative nature. And after all that thinking I came to the conclusion that there is no point of me being alive.
I remember calling my Mum and telling her how I’m sorry for being such a disappointment, and not meeting her expectations broken on the phone because honest to God I had my mind set on ending it all after this year finished.
But there were two things that saved me…