Wednesday 11th September 2019

Sometimes (quite a lot actually) I think I’m a shit son. Now I’ve talked a bit about me and my mum’s relationship in the past, but now I think I’m just stuck in a pattern I can’t get out of.

There’s this video that explains perfectly what I’m talking about, but there are times when I feel I should go and talk to her, or be less “irritant.” But my body is so stuck in its ways that I’m more worried about being by myself in my room, and not being bothered by anyone.

I think now it’s more because I’m not happy with myself and my life, so I just want to stay in my room and gather as much peace as possible because of how shit everything around me is. Even putting that to the side, I haven’t exactly shone in anything else. I work in Boots part-time, which doesn’t exactly look after anyone (including myself), have nothing to show for in life, and it’s not like something is going for me at the moment. It’s not like I’m not trying at all, but there isn’t one thing I’ve done for her to be proud about.

I know you shouldn’t compare and all of that, but people who were in the same year as me in secondary school driving are driving Mercedes, able to look after their mum, fund their holidays and do all of these things. Whether it’s for “image gang” or not, it’s the fact they actually do these things, and I can’t. I don’t look at them and think “Why do they have that, I should have that, they don’t deserve this, etc.” (that’s a sickness by the way), but it’s more like “What am I doing wrong?”
Because if someone that started on the same level as me, and can do more than what I’m capable of doing now.

Then I’m fucking shit.

I’ve been wanting to interview my mum about parenting for my Berry section (hence why it’s been collecting dust recently), but;

  1. Will she answer my questions
  2. Will I even end up asking (because I’ve been stalling for a while)
  3. Will she be free to answer them

Who knows.

Despite everything that’s happened, I’m all she has. And it’s kind of sucky the way things are now, and I mostly put that on myself these days. I can write “I will start trying to do XYZ,” but am I going to really? Am I going to do it just like that?

I doubt it.

It takes time to break out of a lifelong habit. But if there’s one thing you can take from all of this,

it’s that I wish I wasn’t so shit.

 

P.S. I ended up finding the video, it’s a really interesting so I would suggest you watch it.

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