If there’s mistakes I’m sorry. I’m typing this on my phone whilst I lay in bed in despair. I’ve been thinking about this shit from every angle and there is not a light in sight. I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I guess I can talk to someone if I just messaged them, but:
1. Who the fuck wants to be bothered with my shit when they have their own
2. I don’t have anyone I can talk to talk to. You know that person where you have that relationship where you would just share naturally. Those people I did have aren’t really there anymore as they’ve progressed in their life, and it really goes back to my first point anyway
Triggers. It always starts with a trigger, and mine was the BRIT Awards. I was watching Stormzy and Dave celebrating and the performances. Seeing how happy they were, and the ovation they received from the crowd and the people on social media. It made me think of music and how I should put something out officially. I mean, it’s the only thing I’ve started that hasn’t failed yet because I haven’t officially done anything with it.
This then made me deep I don’t have a job? So how am I going to fund this. I only have my job till 6th March at shitty Boots, like, I’m a 23 year old man who works at Boots, and makes fuck all to look after himself with no hope of getting a job he’s been trying to get for the last two years.
The thing that gets me is I should have released a track by now but I can’t, which is because the studio where I recorded my shit is no longer in operation, and I have £200 something beat I now cannot put on the track. The thing more annoying about this is that every single song I’m going to use is there, and the majority still need work done, which can’t be done for the same reason I’ve explained.
Obviously I’ve enquired about the situation, ain’t got nothing. Tbh I would have got this out if the video wasn’t delayed so much. But it’s fine because it’s just part of this disaster life I’m meant to be living, just one stop sign at every corner, just one fuck you at every turn.
Every time there’s always something. You think you’re getting somewhere, but there’s always something that pops up to tell you what a stupid idiot you are to think you can achieve anything in this life you’re living. The thing is it’s not even about the music, it really isn’t. As much as it pisses me off I was now willing to record ALL the same shit AGAIN somewhere else, simply because I’m tired waiting, but this now goes to the main issue that is troubling me.
I have nothing going on for me, at all. 23 years old. Can’t drive. Can’t pay bills. Can’t sustain myself. Can’t get a proper job you actually want to do. Can’t keep someone interested. Never accomplished anything. Just a waste of fucking space. I think what even made this worse was when I checked my email and I saw two updates from jobs I applied to, and both were rejections. One was from ASOS (which I’ve applied to many times), and I decided to go back and check their reasonings for the rejection. Did you know they used the same shit for each of them. I thought I was on the right track because they stated “we’re impressed with you‘re skills but…” Maan. They’re not impressed with anything because clearly no one else has.
I’ve switched up CV, presentation A1, even started emailing the people I’ve been applying for directly, and now it’s just like what’s the point. In my Life Is Destined posted I was talking about just that, and at the end I made it seem like I’m ok with how things are because I can’t change it, but I’m not, and I shouldn’t be.
You may think I’m over reacting or completely lying, but on everything important to me, there is not one thing I’ve accomplished in this life. On my life, and I swear on anything, at every single point I’ve been close or on a course to happiness or something noteworthy, something has always come/happened to derail that, and I’m really tired, in-fact I’ve had enough.
Seriously, what am I doing here, what is my role on this planet. For some reason I’m being allowed to wake up, and for what, to suffer? People be dying in their sleep or have tragic accidents happen to them that are doing more for themselves than I am, yet, I am still here.
Progression. Progression is all I ask of. I’m not asking to be filthy rich, just progression at any scale possible. Honest to God I’m in no better position now, than I was when I was born. Seriously. And I have nothing to show since then. I think 500+ (I lost count) and failure in every other aspect of life should tell me this ain’t for me.
And please for the love of God, don’t tell me about God or prayer. The same man I used to pray to for one thing for YEARSSSSSSSSSSSS, let that shit continue to get worse and worse, allowing me to get to this broken human I am today. For this blog posts sake let’s just say you’re real, and you can see this, I hate you, and you’re a liar. Never helped me once in this life I’ve lived. Watched me suffer just like most of your other “children.” What a terrific creator and father you are. You’re meant to be listening right? Ask and you shall receive right? If anything you’re a abuser. If this is your will or your teachings, putting me in situations to teach me something, what exactly do you think the lesson is here? Because it’s nothing positive that’s for sure.
I’m not even coming here for sympathy or empathy. I just wanted somewhere to say how I’m feeling, and I have nowhere to express this in full. I just wanted to let go of what is inside and continue with whatever this is. My main thing here if you haven’t gathered is that I’m absolutely done with living this life. It’s been tiring before I left school, and I just can’t. I can’t even write all the shit I’ve been talking about to add context, with proof for most things to show you how much I’m not exaggerating or just saying shit to say it, but this would be waaaay to long, and I don’t even have the strength to do that right now. Whatever or whoever is in control of this simulation I’m done now. As much as I put up a front on most days my soul is completely empty, my heart is drained, and I don’t want to play this game anymore, you win…